One of the things that bothers me the most about the situation I'm in is the attitude that some people I've dealt with over the past months while trying to avert a complete disaster; my soon-to-be-ex husband is the worst, but that's an automatic "given" because he's abusive and spent most of our marriage verbally abusing me and putting me down anyway - it's much more bothersome coming from other people who don't know much about me and are making snap judgements based on their personal prejudices: the thing I have issue with is that somehow I must "deserve" what I'm going through because I'm not trying hard enough.
I'm a college educated person with many, many years of work experience and quite a few skills. I started working part time when I was 16, and only stopped working when I had my son so that I could stay home to raise him, rather than having him raised by a nanny or day-care center. I made the decision WITH my husband; I don't have a problem with other women going back to work when their children are small, but I DO feel very strongly that one of the biggest and most overlooked points of the equal rights / womens' movement was that women were supposed to be able to make the CHOICE to either advance in their careers, or raise their children in responsible ways as they see fit, or find ways to do both if at all possible. I'm not a lazy person; although I've been a dedicated mother and enjoyed most of it, I've also hated the poverty throughout the marriage and after the separation that being out of the workforce mandated. But I always assumed that I'd be able to go back to work with relative ease once my son was in school - especially after he started participating in his school's after school program. I miss the independence of having my on income, every minute of every day. But staying home with my son was also a decision I made because my conscience and gut spoke clearly: since I had a child at 39, and was planning on having only one, I felt strongly that for his sake, he deserved to be raised by the people closest to him - his parents, primarily by me. What's the point of having a child if you're going to treat it like a pet that you can leave home while you go out every day to do something else, at least during those early years before the child is school-age? I'm not knocking other womens' choices on this; this is the choice I made for my family, and now I'm being kicked in the ass for having made that decision, over and over and over again. IT WAS A LEGITIMATE CHOICE, and I feel like I did the right thing, and I'm sick of being "punished" for it.
Being dependent on my husband has been loathesome for years. I want as much independence from him as possible, especially now that it's clear that he's going way out of his way to make sure I'm miserable, broke, and have nothing.
I've tried nearly everything I can think of to get work. I have to work on the books in order to prove I AM working, in order to satisfy social service agencies I may need loans from, and to ensure I have shared custody of my son. I don't leave the house without printed copies of my resume on hand and a flash drive with a copy of my resumes and writing samples on it, along with samples of my photography. I've joined Idealist, craigslist, Monster, and other online sources for employment. I'd rather work for a museum or cultural institution, but I'm willing to do retail work (especially this time of year)l. My phone bill is ridiculously high because of all the faxes and calls I've been making searching for work. I've registered with temp agencies. Still, nothing seems to be working out, and my life is going down the toilet.
I'm not a bad person; half of my career and most of my personal humanities/arts projects have involved helping others.
I don't deserve what's happening to me.
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Check out my digital photography at http://picasaweb.google.com/emilyholiday/EmilyBrown; I also have a short slideshow video at http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4527071836788208173
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